If I’m honest…

Hi Maddicts,

Today I’m doing something a little different and not talking about mesh. I know right? How unlike me!

So why am I not talking about mesh? Well, perhaps it’s because today I’m feeling a little introspective, or perhaps in need of catharsis, but either way, I wanted to talk to you all about something that you’d like to think would be obvious… I want to talk to you about being kind to one another.

Lately I’ve been feeling a little out of sorts, a bit flat. My usual zest for the latest mesh has been lagging a little, and I’ve been trying to work out why, because it used to excite me so much. After thinking long and hard about it, I realised – my excitement is there, but so is fear. Now I know what you’re thinking – what do you have to be afraid of? Well to be truthful, people.

I started this blog two and half years ago, and what I truly wanted to share the excitement about mesh bodies, then mesh heads, then fashion that comes with it… but above all, I wanted to help teach people how to use mesh bodies and heads, because back then it was a ‘you’re on your own’ kind of experience. Since then, as often happens when new markets are forged, mesh bodies and heads have become a way of life in SL, with competing brands and products available for users – all of which is to be expected and very exciting in itself, because emerging markets breed creativity, which in turn provides new options to consumers.

Fast forward to now, and in particular a few weeks ago. A few weeks ago I was contacted and abused by a creator. Now in itself this isn’t unique, it happens, and unfortunately lately it’s been becoming more prevalent. Designers abusing customers or bloggers, bloggers abusing designers, customers abusing designers…. you name it, it’s happening. The question is – why? Now in my circumstance, I’ve encountered many kinds of abuse whilst blogging, most of which I shrug off as people simply finding an outlet for whatever it is they’re going through, but this particular instance a few weeks ago shook me a little. The designer in question accused me of favoritism towards another brand because I had blogged one before the other. Now as false as this is and as much as I didn’t need nor deserve their nasty comments – it made me stop and realise an unfortunate fact of blogging – over time, expectations have grown, competitiveness has become more rife and in turn the pressure has mounted on me to a point that I’m struggling with it. No longer am I simply reviewing an item and offering my thoughts on it – I’m receiving items to review, then being sent messages daily asking why I haven’t reviewed it yet. I’m getting told about updates to items then being harassed when I don’t update my blog fast enough. I’m being accused of not supporting a brand because I haven’t updated a list to include them yet.

And that’s just me. I’m also watching designer friends cry when they recieve abusive IM’s or notecards because of the most mundane issues! When did this society that we created ourselves start to tolerate such disgusting behaviour? SL is a user created world – it’s a world that to an extent we control too, and yet somehow it’s become ‘okay’ for a designer to swear about ‘fucking customers’ or a customer to leave abusive reviews on marketplace just because the colour of the top they liked was a fatpack exclusive, or the item they want isn’t in their size, or whatever.

So, to those amazing people who take the time to read my posts, I wanted to say a few things. Firstly, that I love the support you all offer me, and I am forever in your debt for that. Don’t worry, MBA isn’t going anywhere – that’s not the point of this. The point of this is to make the 1 in every 100 people who read this who may have abused a designer, or a blogger, or a customer – or just another person – think about what they’ve done, and hopefully not repeat it.

We are human. We are flawed…. but we are also defined by our actions. What are your actions saying about you?

Be kind to one another. I love you guys.

<3 Daria

I’m wearing:
Mesh Head – Maxine by LAQ (Skin used is built in, tone 1.o) – New mesh head!
Mesh Body – Lara by Maitreya
Hair – Farah by Mina (Available on the 1st Nov at Fameshed)
Top – Dragon Sports Bra by Vinyl (Available at Uber) Includes Belleza (all), Maitreya & Slink (both) sizes
Shorts – Jae Shorts by SPIRIT (Available at Uber)Includes Belleza (Isis & Freya), Maitreya & Slink (both) sizes
Boots – Craven Boots by Blueberry Includes Belleza (Isis & Freya), Maitreya & Slink (both) sizes

60 thoughts on “If I’m honest…

  1. I have been blogging SL fashion for ….I think 4 years now. I decided the first day of my blog to not accept review items, to remain completely independent as a blogger. I have stayed that way. I have been asked numerous times to explain why in more detail than in I give in my blog. The truth is, there is not much more to explain, but…. it really comes down to pretty close to what you’ve just talked about. Drama and expectations. I started blogging for my own fun of it, and on my own terms.

    Now, fast forward to now…yes the now now. I am now doing more creating than blogging. I am now being asked if others can blog for me…… and I have yet to decide this. I feel like it would be a big can of worms to open. I know that bloggers need designers and designers need bloggers, I get that. But at what cost? I just don’t know.

    As for people being nasty to one another….yea, I wish it would just stop. I see day to day in groups inworld as well. I see no reason to have a melt down over who wears which body or not being to able to get into an event right this second. I just don’t get upset over things in SL. I do not log in to deal with stress or to get pissed off about every little thing. I log in to escape the shit I read about everyday on the news and the stress of my own real life. People need to get some perspective.

  2. Inspiration is the first thing to go south when one is hit with the painful reality that people are generally unkind and unsavoury when they compete. Most of us are not in this for the competition – Sure, everyone wants to sell and have people recognise their skills and hard work, but at the end of the day, I think most of us open our programs with their hearts involved before anything else. The gratification when something is done to your satisfaction suddenly being knocked to nothing by someone who accuses you of something negative or unjust pulls that heart right out of you. It can take months to recover from it, but the truly strong people are the ones that get past all of that negativity and press forward, determined to keep doing it for their love of it, and still feel just as inspired as they did the day they had realised that, perfect or not, they can do it.
    Not to go on for too long, but remember your loved ones, the ones who were there from the start, the ones who were there behind the scenes and stay with you in front, and keep going, with that knowledge and glory, that you started this out of your own pure love and inspiration, and those who are still on that path with you, holding your hand, are really the only people you, or anyone else in a similar situation, need to ever worry about.

  3. i agree with you im new to making things like a mesh head i showed a picture to someone who didn’t like it was very nasty in what she said i felt like crying but thought other might like it why should i stop trying because one person doesn’t

  4. :tight hugs: Daria !!

    I just celebrated my tenth rez day in SL, and without you, and your insightful blog, I would still be wandering around the grid in my system body.. looking.. well.. systemy .. LOL. So, thank you from the bottom of my hearts (my SL one and my RL one)

    Over the past 10 years I have met, and become friends with some amazing creators.. and seen some of them leave SL discouraged and heartbroken, not just because of the abuse you were speaking of, but simply because they didn’t feel “the love”. One creator said to me “No one ever says they like what I make, or “good job”.. or “thank you!””.. and she left SL 🙁

    We are all very very quick to complain in SL and in RL. Friends, if you read this, please start being quicker to say THANK YOU to the people who make your lives, in SL and in RL, shiny. One “thank you” can erase the pain of many many hurtful comments. Please be the Light and give thanks!!

  5. this has been going on for years now. Being an old SLresident I remember when people were kind and helpful. Yes there were idiots in SL back then also but they were rare and were often told off by others. Look around the various blogs and you will see old SLresidents point it out time and again.

    Knowing of this behaviour makes me not contact designer / bloggers if I have an idea cos I know they are being overrun with complaints from not so nice people so if ou do contact them they react negatively more often than not. Understandable as its the norm.

    Ive brought up a few time to bloggers and designers the favoritism towards a certain body (wont mention it cos I dont fancy getting the fangirls after me, and yes I mean that very seriously) As mentioned Im an old SLresident (10 years and counting) and I know full well the work that goes into the rigging for various bodies but here is my take on it:
    Dont have the time to cater for your customers / potential customers then dont design, close shop and write it up to progress that you cant live up to.
    Sound harsh? Yes, Im aware of that, here is my background for saying this:
    I used to be a designer in SL. This was premesh, early sculpty era. I bought the sculpties I needed cos I did not have the time to aquire the skillset to make my own. It was all going good. I didnt make a fortune but I enjoyed making clothes / jewlery and earn a bit of pocket money. Then when mesh came into the picture things changed. Everyone wanted mesh and again i did not have time to aquire the skillset so I pulled out. I was not able to provide for my customers so id rather pull out that do something half winded.
    There are some designers out there that do cater to a hell of a lot of bodies and deep respect to those. Its hard work and they deserv the praise for not playing the favorite game and provide for as many bodies as they can and adding new bodies to their list.
    One of my points is that all the bodies on the market are wonderfully done but a lot of them gets shafted due to designers playing the favorite game. Now Im stubborn and wont bend to that. Do I like a body then I will use it end off! But I have talked to a lot of customers of mesh bodies and they often say “I love XYZ body but I cant really find any good variety of clothing so I feel I have to use (insert name here that I wont mention) to be able to shop with a good variety” Can you all see the irony here? Designers and bloggers have a lot of power cos the mesh bodies are still new to a lot of SLresidents and they need to know how to use it, where to buy for it, so bloggers and designers need to step up imo and showcase a lot more bodies and designers, and designers need to do some soulsearching and make up their minds if they want to carter for the bodies out there or get out of the business.

    • i make both classic and omega appliers for mash body clothes and skin i never leave the classic out
      love making both

      • defo to be seconded, especially that foremost sentence: “Look around the various blogs and you will see old SLresidents point it out time and again.” -> the massive increase of people with narcissistic pd.

    • I wanted to comment in regards to mesh makers who make many different body types. I’ve seen a lot of complaints myself about a designer not having this body or that body. I always hear that designers are showing favoritism to particular mesh bodies, but that’s not necessarily the case.

      First, not all body types are (or have always been) available to all designers, while some are made easily available, leaving the majority of designers more proficient with the ones they first started creating for.

      Second the rigging for each body is different, so it’s hours of work per-outfit per body, not only are they different but some of the bodies themselves are rigged horribly, which forces the designer to rig horribly along with the body or create a work around (another few hours). Or hell some of the bodies you get in the kit aren’t shaped the same as the in-world body, what can you do?

      Third as a test, sell one dress separately, where each body type is available separately, In say a gacha you’ll see that one body type in particular sells really well, while the others only a few here and there.

      Fourth, many well known designers with many many sizes have many many sizes because they employ ghost mesh designers and ghost riggers, while they control the running of the store and simply pretend to make the mesh, so yeah pat on the back to them.

      At the end of the day it’s about supply and demand, designers show favoritism to what sells, to what is well rigged and doesn’t require a lot of work around, and body brands that work well supporting designers to create for their bodies. And really there are only two mesh body brands that have that down. So these are the two you’ll see the most sales for. There are a few newer bodies with a lot of potential and I think rather or not designers decide to work with them will depend on these factors.

      I don’t think it’s a great thing to design for standard + 5 mesh body types + 3 types of one body type. I think it’s a waste of time, which is a waste of money.

      • Sadly I feel I must agree. I have tried, have bought, have worn, a number of mesh bodies. I have also experimented with a number of shapes. But the truth is one particular body suits me the best, it works well with lots of different shapes and remains fluid and well rigged imho. (note I don’t know anything about rigging as I have tried to make a blob in mesh creation programs only to fail miserably)

        So if you can call that favoritism okay that’s favoritism. But every shopper has the right to spend their money in a way that they feel is most effective for them and that includes what bodies they buy as well as what other items.

        Certain other bodies do not, for lack of a better word “deform” well. By that I mean, it is made in such a way that when you use a more extreme slider choice say at the hip or the boob etc… it just looks.. gross… rather than attractive. Is it really so surprising then that one body gets chosen over the other?

        If another body came along that I liked better, sure I’d be on that bandwagon asap. I was one of the first to buy a mesh body when there were almost no clothes of any kind to be found for any mesh body that didn’t conform to standard sizes. These days applier and fitmesh is readily available to fit a variety of bodies and sizes. So, I don’t feel that I’m particularly in the wrong to choose the body I choose.

        And lets face it, whether a person is making items to sell mainly as a creative outlet, or to make a little spending money or to take money into rl for their family… they need to use their time and talents intelligently. That includes not wasting hours for rigging on a particular body that then only sells a relatively few copies as compared to another body. That’s what capitalism is after all, competition.

        So I mean, I just don’t see it as favoritism, i see it as a natural progression of choice.

  6. I am sorry to hear that you go through all that Daria. I have always been respectful of designers but thought that giving them feedback was helping them help the customer and therefore helping themselves. Silly me!

    the first time a designer yelled at me I could not believe it. On the other hand I have met some real sweethearts.

    SL reflects RL and vice versa. you only have to look at the news to see that polarization is crazy right now, yet I still believe we are better than this and that if we are willing to work at it we can remember to love and show that in everything we do to the best of our ability.

    My second rez day is this coming Jan. 1.

  7. Don’t let cyber assholes get you down. Learn the joy of the block function and delete button. It’s your world and anyone who steps out of what you deem acceptable behavior gets the gulag treatment. You don’t owe them the ability to abuse you for any reason.
    That said, thank you for your work and insights on different aspects of the mesh world.
    One of the best things that help sellers are the events . I suggest they quit trying to bully their way into the buying public eye but get off their tush and get out there and show their wares.

  8. I joined SL in the later part of June this year and I have noticed the negativity from others. I’ve even seen the negativity in this group within the groupchat in SL as well… It’s a shame that this happens but I always remember this saying “Always do your best. What you plant now, you will harvest later”.

    Other than that, I have met some nice people on my SL journey. I also try to help others to the best of my ability 🙂

  9. Mesh is great but it kills the diversity. Before mesh came along we all could make great stuff for fun, set up a litte market stall and be happy and proud if we managed to sell enough to cover the upload fees and the market rent. Now you need to be at least semi-professional have sophisticated crm-systems, off-grid systems for updates and what not. All respect to those who manage to make a living out of selling shit expensive stuff, but when your RL mortgage is on stake it gets too serious, and then fear controls the game instead of the fun and the result is what you experience. A bad review or a missing review can ruin this month’s revenue for a creator. I think, for your own good and sanity and also credibility, that you should concidering to decline free offers in trade for reviews, and perhaps find other ways to fund shopping for new items you want to review. What matters is that YOU are having fun with your amazing blog and website.

  10. Thanks for sharing this. I perfectly agree with you and your point of view, and your conclusion, above all. It’s all very useful to me, as a fresh beginner in this domain. Thank you. Please be honest again and again. 🙂

  11. I have been blogging for a few years now, and I, like many other bloggers have chosen not to accept review items. I choose to be independent. I do have a thick skin so the criticism aka “abuse” shouldn’t effect me (hmmmm). But over the years, I have noticed that some SL creators can forget who they are. Does anonymity allow them to be idiots? Maybe. But no one, has to accept this verbal injustice. Yes…block and delete would be a good reward for these bullies. And Daria, your blog is an asset to all of us so don’t let this deter you from making your own decisions. I know it won’t.

  12. I am so sorry you have to deal with the negativity of ppl. Your providing a wonderful service that helps many of us and i really appreciate you and your work.

    Unfortunatly @Christine ^ above is right .. the world as a whole is in a really negative space right now. We all need to bring more kindness and love into the world everyday even when faced with hatred and mean spiritedness. Those small kind ripples can have a huge effect!
    Hugs Daris TY ! ~ owl

  13. I am so sorry you have to deal with the negativity of ppl. Your providing a wonderful service that helps many of us and i really appreciate you and your work.

    Unfortunatly @Christine ^ above is right .. the world as a whole is in a really negative space right now. We all need to bring more kindness and love into the world everyday even when faced with hatred and mean spiritedness. Those small kind ripples can have a huge effect!
    Hugs Daria TY ! ~ owl

  14. I am really shocked by the way some designers treat you. I knew about the “dark side” of blogging about products before – as I heard from other bloggers. But if someone, whose work I appreciate so much suffers from that it makes me sad and angry at the same time. Don’t let them intimidate you, Daria. You are doing such a great job. So many users benefit from your work.

    Thank you so much!
    Mith

  15. Thank you all so much for your supportive words and advice – I can’t say how much it means to me, and how much it reminds me of why I do what I do <3 Everyone has their struggle with this 'bad side' of SL (or bad side of human nature perhaps), this is just mine, and I feel like I reached out for support and understanding and you guys all did exactly that. Thank you all so much <3

  16. Darling, I don’t meen to sound insensitive, but half the globe is on fire right now, and actually, there are more refugees than there was in WWII.
    Here in Greece people are jumping from top of the buildings from despair and poverty
    There is no reason that you get sad cause someone just screamed at you.
    Hope you get my point

    cheers

  17. @Tarani Tempest:
    Good point about not accepting review copies.

    I don’t review much, but when I do review I get critical. Even for products I like – I feel its my duty to be detailed. And that means I need to not be beholden to anyone who has essentially paid me to promote them.

    And that’s what review-copy blogs are – paid advertising.

    But if you don’t play in that space and you do review things, it can invite unwanted attention.

    @Daria: It might limit a lot what you blog, but you don’t seem to blog specific products much anyway – I’d recommend not accepting review copies (if you are presently). And then just going all out with your opinions on this or that product.

    I will say I do perceive some clear preferences from you – just based on things like what bodies and head brands you’re most often using in images. Since they’re not the same choices I made they stand out to my eyes. But that’s your preference and go with it.

    People online can get very abusive. A lot of people also confuse a critical eye with hostile criticism.

    Say I type out “product X is laggy in this regards” and then state out some numbers. That’s a critical statement. Its not hostile. We can choose our opinions but not our facts. Now if I also added “designer X sucks as their product X was laggy due to poor skill, lack of attention, and a general hostile attitude to how people in SL use their product.”
    – Now that is a hostile opinion. There was a fact, a laggy product, and everything beyond it was an opinion that was uncalled for.

    Quite often people read the two statements the same way…

    This is kind of why we got into this cycle of paid bloggers… designers wanted to avoid both types of criticism because people often cannot distinguish between them.

    If you’re going to be critical, you also have to not mind ‘taking it on the chin’ when a reader cannot distinguish fact from opinion, and, a general statement to anyone out there; make sure your own writing doesn’t blend them.

    And if one don’t wish to be in that space, blogs like the weekly list of mesh products here are ideal because they just show a list of ‘hey this is out there’.
    – Which I refer to all the time as my launching point for ‘what’s new’.

    In fact almost all of the MBA blog is like that, so I don’t see why anyone would even have an opportunity to get upset with what tends to be here.

    @Saraphina:
    “Fourth, many well known designers with many many sizes have many many sizes because they employ ghost mesh designers and ghost riggers, while they control the running of the store and simply pretend to make the mesh, so yeah pat on the back to them.”

    Are you factually sure of that? From a consumer point of view I see among the top brands an amazing amount of style consistency. So much so that it seems very unlikely to be more than one person. At least in the making of the original mesh. But that is just opinion on my part.

    I do think its worthwhile to at least support the top 3 bodies. But I’m not so sure its worth supporting the old ‘standard sizes’ system anymore. Then again I don’t know how well that system sells in today’s market.

  18. My personal opinion is that much of the nastiest is the entitlement mentality so many have. This isn’t just a Second Life issue, it’s a real world mentality being brought into SL.

    People want what they want when they want it. They do not care about any one else’s feelings and believe their point of view is right and yell at anyone else for having a differing one.

    I myself have almost been driven off certain events in SL, not because of the creators, but because of the attitude of the customer base. And the nastiest comments come from those who choose to be ignorant. An example of this is a certain monthly surprise loot box. People will clock the “Join” button paying the lindens to do so, and then act all uppity about what is in the box and what designers participated and what bodies certain items were made for. When it’s pointed out that if they had just read the designer page of the web site ALL of their complaints would have been addressed before they had even joined. Invariably this gets the response along the lines of ‘I don’t have time to live on the web site’. Really? Taking 30 seconds to read the designer page is too much time, but can spend 20 minutes calling the creators nasty names isn’t a waste of time?

    I personally believe some creators have been driven off some events because of the nastiness. Some have even been candid enough to say that they are considering dropping some events because of it.

    One reason I think that leads to this is this idea of SL as a game. It is not a game anymore than real life is a game. It’s a social virtual world where people interact with each other much as they do in real life. Thinking of it as a game leads people to think of ways to “beat” each others rather than getting along.

  19. There are so many thoughts in your post and in the responses so far – I think the key point you make – “play nice” – is a valid one. I also, however, think there is no smoke without some sort of fire 🙂

    SL is (from a business perspective) an un-regulated environment – there are no corporate standards, very few respected news sources, only a loose monitoring from the Lab with a sledgehammer approach to most commercial (eg, content ownership) issues. That all makes for an incredible lack of transparency in the commerce that takes place between consumers and designers.

    People are people – they adapt to whatever set of rules they find themselves in, and they exert what power they have. It no doubt seems reasonable to impose conditions without thinking about the negative consequences. A couple of examples from my recent experience:

    1. I was asked to remove a less than 5 star review of an item from MP – offered a refund to remove it. Thats crazy, right?
    2. I am nagged by a blogger friend to go and fave her flickr photos because “The designer insists every image must get >100 faves” to maintain her blogger status. More crazies, right?

    I think good people do crazy things in SL because its essentially a self-regulated society, and not everyone, even though well meaning – is equipped to navigate the intricacies of good behaviour that are embodied in the regulatory laws that manage these commercial relationships in RL. So they make innocent mistakes, or worst case, take advantage of the lack of constraints.

    So in that environment, I think you are totally right Daria, “Play nice, Be kind, Be thoughtful” are good maxims. I think also though, we really do have to call bullshit when we see it, so that at least the forum of ‘public’ opinion can play what constraining role it possibly can on the worst behaviours. Three cheers to you for being a big part of that!

    Hugs
    Whim xx

  20. Hugs, Daria.

    I think that you should not tolerate abuse, and make it policy that if someone abuses you because you didn’t update fast enough or some other psycho reason, you will cut them and won’t take any more review products from them. It’s so much easier to find rigged mesh now that you ought to have the freedom to blog what you want, when you want, as time constraints allow. You’re human, you have a first life too!

    I agree with Pussycat that there are some obvious biases but at the same time, part of it is a chicken and egg problem because there isn’t a lot of product out there for most of the bodies that are available. Most designers do not bother committing to bodies other than the top 3-4 brands, and so the most exciting new stuff will almost always be for those brands. So the bias is not intentional, I think, but there is not much you can do about that…

    I have been thinking that it would be nice if, a couple of times a year, you or someone else had an alternative body brand fair. That is, NOT Maitreya, Slink, or Belleza. This would be a chance to get some nice products by top designers and build up some of the choices for people with alternative bodies. Designers could pick and choose 1-3 alternative bodies and do a one-off for them, since the return on the time investment is going to be low to begin with. It would be almost like doing a freebie, except that they’d get some money for it. Body designers, of course, would have to provide proper dev kits with weights. Something like that would definitely make me more interested in checking out some of these alternative bodies.

    • You’re exactly right here about the chicken and egg scenario. I use the more common bodies in my posts because they’re what my readers are using, and each poll I do just reiterates to me that fact.

      The problem is, it’s not necessarily about the ‘best’ body – one body took off at the start, so designers started fitting to that body – and of course because more designers were fitting for it, more people bought it because it had wider compatibility. It’s a cycle, and the only way that changes is by designers fitting for different bodies – but this is a task that takes a lot of time to do, especially when the market you’re selling to is 80% the one body – so it’s a lot of extra work for minimal reward.

      Unfortunately, that’s how a free market tends to work.

      • Its not so much that one body took off at the start because the body that took off at the start is not the most popular body by a count of three before it.

        I’d say it went like this:
        Wowmeh – held out with not memorable competition until pulled from SL.

        Lena Lush / Eve / Slink / TMP- only options for a very short while. There was this short period when things looked like an open contest, and most people were calling it for Slink due to the hands and feet – but somehow none of these 4 was able to emerge as a clear winner.

        Belleza – was tops from the moment it came out until it made its own mistakes in not having good developer support.

        Maitreya – took over popularity AFTER Belleza stopped giving out dev kits after the V3 update (that introduced Isis and Freya). And because at the time, though no longer, it was about a third of the price.

        – Personally this frustrates me to no end because my favorite and only body that I use is Belleza Freya. The people on its team that I have met seem very nice – but they seem to not understand how their own actions in not giving out the dev kit enough have hurt their standing… But it is what it is.

        So we’ve actually had several moments where the top player in this has changed. While I personally want it to change again, that won’t happen unless Belleza takes an action like TMP did BEFORE Maitreya does… and gives out the developer kit to anyone and everyone (note how TMP doing that did not boost them… because that action is not enough by itself).

        Also note that before that first body up there… you had Phat Azz, Lolas, ans Slink parts. Not too long ago people assumed no foot or hand other than Slink would EVER be around in SL. Now I see Maitreya feet support more than Slink support, though the common support is Maitreya, Slink, Belleza.

  21. Lao Tzu said….’simplicity, patience, compassion. These three are your greatest treasures’. But I will add to that being helpful, which your blog is to so many people Daria. And often you dont get to see how many people you have helped, thats the downside of blogging. Not everyone wants to leave a comment, so your work goes mostly unrewarded. Maybe as penance this week all your readers can say something nice or helpful on someones blog or to a designer/seller or to a total stranger they meet when travelling in SL. Share a smile.

  22. @chericolette,

    Very much in agreement. Could not have said better 🙂

    Also, this is not a designer vs. customer vs. blogger vs. Godzilla issue. Some of us are all of those things, some are not. What each one of us decides to do with ourselves is completely our own responsibility. But no matter who you are, it is really not so hard to just be….nice.

  23. I’m sorry you have had to cop that abuse, i think it is the way society is becoming , we are seeing it all over social media it is far to easy for some ppl to sit behind a keyboard and abuse others.
    It’s sad what the world is becoming.
    Stay strong and eff em.

  24. Big hugs Daria!! I don’t know why people have to be so nasty to each other, and especially to customers and bloggers. Haven’t they heard you catch more flies with honey than vinegar??

    And it’s your blog! I would be like, “I’ll say what I want and review what I want, if you don’t like that, I’ll buy your stuff and review it anyway! You can’t stop me! mwahahahaha”

    And I love your blog 🙂

  25. Dear Daria
    Just keep doing what you are doing. I for one never miss your blogs and find them extremely helpful. I dont see the bias the three top bodies are the most popular I have two of them and alternate depending on mood. I do try all bodies but so far haven’t found another fave. As you say that is how a free market works and I am not a designer but if I was I would be designing for the popular end of the market as shown by your polls. Try not to let the naysayers get you down and know that you have a very loyal following. xxxx

  26. Good morning 🙂
    I have been reading your blog a long time and appreciate the work you put into it.
    It’s obvious to us you love what you do Daria and it takes a tremendous amount of work to keep it going. Some people really just don’t get it and never will. The hours of dedication put into all the designer’s work would be overwhelming to most and you/they certainly don’t deserve the drama.
    I am very polite if I have to contact someone over a purchase. I’ve had run-ins with very rude designers over simple questioning of something and believe me… Once that happens I will never return and buy another thing and will tell my friends not to either. The majority have been excellent and very kind. I remember them and pass the word on as well.
    I admit, I had one body for over a year and was frustrated that a lot of what I liked was only made for another body. Eventually, I bought that body too. But that was MY choice. I constantly am on the lookout for nice things made by not so well known designers, because you CAN find quality items and at nicer prices. Just means searching a little more. This is why your blog is so important. You show many examples of what is out there and we DO appreciate you for it.
    Tell the whiners, crybabies, and bullies to go suck an egg.

  27. I think that it is down to the popularity of the blog that designers see the ‘red mist’ appear when they think they are somehow not getting what they want.
    I never agree with abuse but also think constructive criticism is a good thing – it helps the drive to excellence.
    I find it amazing that a creator would abuse a customer, afterall it is customers who keep them in business, if I was ever abused by a creator – then that would be a customer lost.
    Keep doing what you are doing Daria I love the blog!

  28. People wonder about why society is changing, why more violence, less respect, increased rudeness…

    Many things have been looked at, studies done, opinions voiced… So, there are lots of explanations.

    I don’t share my RL. But, from my posts I suspect it is obvious I have an interest in philosophy and psychology. I identify with the Apostle Thomas, the one that doubted… I doubt most things and question most everything. So, answering ‘Why?’ questions usually sends me on a deep diving research quest.

    A book The Rape of the Mind (https://www.amazon.com/Rape-Mind-Psychology-Menticide-Brainwashing/dp/1614277877) explains what government, political campaigns, corporations, and numerous organizations are doing to us via the media. We are being programmed. The book Rules for Radicals (https://www.amazon.com/Rules-Radicals-Practical-Primer-Realistic/dp/0679721134/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1477930400&sr=1-1&keywords=rules+for+radicals) outlines the postmodern morals of western society. Reading the news in the Americas, Europe, the Middle East… one can easily see they are having an effect.

    Human nature itself does not appear to change. As an example consider all through history cultures have sacrificed babies, see child sacrifice. Early evidence from about 2800 BCE indicates it happened then. In most cases these killings were for religious reasons. But, ‘progressives’ support partial birth abortion and generally oppose religion.

    Stats show we don’t know why 9.9% chose to abort, they do show that 80±% were elective, and the remaining 10±% is divided among rape, incest, and mother’s health. Of the 1.21 million abortions in 2008 0.2% were partial birth abortions. So, has human nature improved because we slaughter babies at birth for convince rather than religious reasons?

    So, if humans have not changed, what is changing?

    Merriam-Webster defines religion as: an organized system of beliefs. (one of several definitions) But, the word religion has lots of baggage. So, creed, philosophy, ideology, and similar words give us less emotional terms. In all cultures it is the creed, philosophy, and/or ideology that allows behavior. Violate societies norms and you are toast, ala Palmer Lucky’s supposed political position. Our creed, philosophy, and/or ideology is now called post-modern. Basically, the idea is to be free and not judge another’s creed, philosophy, and/or ideology.

    The problem is it does not work. Consider. I believe it is OK for me to take your stuff, force you to have sex with me, and kill you if you should ever dare to disagree with me… Can society really not judge and prohibit such behavior… ideology?

    But, since we have evolved from mud… who gets to say what I can and cannot do? Says who? These questions are the basis of postmodern ideology.

    Why shouldn’t I be rude and yell at you to get what I want? What advantage is there for me to be patient? If I can’t get you to do something by yelling, I just need more power to force you…

    The postmodern creed, philosophy, and/or ideology removes all inhibitions and prohibitions. So, we are seeing the result. Human nature is not evolving. It appears to many to be devolving. I think it is simply unchanging human nature and society is releasing it. Why else does America have two hot messes running for the highest office in the country? Hobson’s choice…


    Daria, I do appreciate your blogging.

  29. Smiling at all the comments I love this blog and you do write more about one body than the other and I understand it because it is the most popular and affordable. It is not a big deal. When it comes to mean people I blame FB I really do. I its the outlet that whatever people want to say they say it. And what ever they feel no matter who it might offend they say it. So when blogging came along that flowed over to to that as well. We live in a society where someone is unhappy about something and everyone things we all should hear their anger. I have stopped reading FB and only read blogs that of interest to me. Don’t allow others determine what you want to share and how you share it. Be true to your moral compass and you will be fine as always. If reviewing an item given to you is causing the biggest hassle stop doing it. After all you are giving them free access to your followers by reviewing them. Just remember the meek shall inherit the earth. Stay who you are and don’t allow others to change you.

  30. Daria, If it weren’t for you and your blog, I probably would have ditched the mesh avi a long time ago. The vids and links to resources are invaluable to mesh addicts! I love your enthusiasm and unbiased approach. The information you share often comes from personal experience which offers insight to the group and not a sales pitch. And, you can’t be everywhere at one time. I am amazed at how well you have kept up with developments and products.

    Don’t let them steal your joy. Your joy is infectious and welcomed.

  31. My SL hubby sent me this link to your blog and thought first I would appreciate it since I am a blogger and second that I should put my own thoughts or comments as well ~ Basically I do “Events” but I have been asked at various times to become a blogger for a specific store that I rather not be tied down to one vendor or vendors ~ even at the events I blog what I do like and my opinions are honest ~ reading some of the comments like being pushed into giving a better rating than deserved or being berated for not blogging fast enough or even favoritism would have me sending a polite yet firm nc stating I will no longer be blogging their items…attitude these days meld from RL with this entitlement, no manners and just basic rudeness ~ personally for me I have been at times shunned in groups for speaking up and being honest ~ at first it stung and bothered me but this is who I am in RL as well as SL that you ask for an opinion am giving one and no its not mean but I am not Willy Wonka and sugarcoat comments ~ sadly I come to realize that a lot of groups you have to either kiss butt and express the group opinion or just keep quiet ~ but I like your blog and you do not need or warrant those idiotic hurtful comments ~ hugzz

  32. This is a much needed post…Thank-you Daria.

    I enjoy your blog so much. When I was just starting with mesh your writings were invaluable in helping me to wade through all of the stuff out there. Many people give opinions that are based on their limited personal experience. Sometimes that is helpful but and sometimes it is not. Bloggers like you (and others) help us all to understand better the environment we are in and the choices we have. So please keep up the good work. There will always be complaints that are often unwarranted. You decide how to react but do not let them change your course if you are on the path you want to be on.

  33. Once upon a time, there was a creator (me)…..and a customer, and another creator (friend)….

    When I started, I did it because I loved creating. It was fun and a beautiful challenge to think of something to create. Less inventory, but high satisfaction. Marketplace was more than enough for what was hobby.

    Then, I got a message from a customer stating that just because my marketplace inventory was less, and had no ‘in-world’ presence, I must be ‘bad designer’ or ‘a scammer’. I cried first time because of SL that day.

    I got bitten by ‘more’ bug to prove that customer wrong. More inventory, more visibility (events and Flickr- something I never did before) and more sales to justify land cost. Needless to say, I ended up with ‘X product Y colors XY variants’. It wasn’t fun anymore. It was a burden and mad obsession just to prove someone wrong.

    Then I made friends with another creator. A laid back guy who designed just for fun – as a hobby. He wasn’t even bothered to update his profile about new creations!

    A realization hit me! I let my hobby, my fun be turned into an obligation – just because some ignorant person called me names. I realized that internet has made people rude, and insensitive, just because it allows them to hide behind an anonymously assumed identity.

    Since then, I have gone back to designing for fun again. I just restrict myself to an event a month depending on time, and not initiating the contact with bloggers for visibility. I figured, if my work is even above average, I will be visible automatically. I’m happy to have my hobby back.

    • I totally agree with you Starr – it’s all about quality in the end, the number of products is irrelevant – it’s about quality. Such a good point about hobbies too, this is my hobby, and maybe I forgot that along the way <3

  34. Daria, I love this blog, I have followed you for a very long time, but……look at your work load now. To start off with you blogged, then you opened a sim….then bi-monthly events, then your big event, now your designing and you have opened a shop, plus you actually have a job in RL (from what you have said in your posts) and for all I know you have a family and kids. That’s alot…..can i suggest that you have taken on too much? Just food for thought hun.

  35. Recently I got into a conversation on facebook about what I look for in a blogger. As a blogger myself, I have my own criteria of what I think a blogger should be. If I say that I’m posting a review, then I need to do an actual review. i.e. tell the reader what I liked and what I didn’t like about the item. I had someone tell me that without naming names I was encouraging a lynch mob mentality… I was shocked because that’s such a drastic phrase. I don’t go around telling other people how to run their blogs, I just quietly choose some other blog to read or support and I will very happily or vehemently tell anyone who asks why I choose what I do. Not to attack but because this is my opinion, you know? But I see so many trying to act like their opinion ranks higher than someone else’s and it’s just not so.

    Everything I blog, I pay for myself, and I feel this gives me autonomy to say what I feel is right. I’ve heard a lot of people say that any kind of critique is not okay and what I feel about that is… how does the creator expect to improve their work if they won’t accept criticism. I’ve been a creator myself, I’ve had to accept criticism myself, and to be honest, I have always been my own worst critic anyway. There is nothing anyone could say to me about something I’d made that I hadn’t already said to myself and I tend to assume that other creators are the same way. (i mean who puts out an item for sale they aren’t happy with right?) In the past I’ve been attacked by a designer and that designer’s fans because I called attention to some small detail… and I get on one level this is money in that designer’s pocket. But you know? If it’s that important to you the way to go about it is to FIX the issue, not complain because some poor blogger noticed it.

    No, I don’t feel there’s any need to be rude or to have some kind of chip on my shoulder if I see something I personally don’t like or feel is a flaw. I am always going to give the creator the benefit of the doubt, maybe we have different tastes, maybe it was an oversight, whatever. I don’t feel the need to attack someone or have this sort of entitlement attitude which I see so much of in sl lately. Mostly I blog about everything I love about an item, that’s really the fun for me, showing things I love and how I like to wear it.

    Everyone seems to think that for that 200 or 300 or whatever lindens they are paying for something, that gives them the right to expect the designer to cater to their every whim. Well, nobody made a person purchase that item and there’s a demo there, so if it’s not what you wanted, why did you buy it? (And yes I know that applies to me too)

    Nobody has the right to tell a designer what bodies they should create for, or how they should texture, color etc their items. There’s a designer I know of right now that I’ve suggested at least twice that she change something she’s doing in terms of the colors she uses… she is very polite but also obviously doesn’t agree.. and I try to be very polite when I speak to her. You know, different opinions, she’s the creator, she does it how she wants to and I decide whether to buy or not. No need to be rude and unkind and negative about what amounts to nothing more a difference of opinion. I certainly am not going to rage in her im box about why she doesn’t see things my way or call her out or gripe at her in a group chat.

    Anyway, long story short I guess. I’m sorry you’re having so much negativity and demand poured on you. The way I feel is, it’s your blog, you blog what the heck you want to and how you want to. You keep doing you, you’ve helped a lot of people, including me and I’m grateful. <3

  36. We love you Daria,
    We look forward to the new posts, we trust your taste, we appreciate your humor and you are a very important part of the SL mesh culture.
    Being a very talented, highly driven person like you are, you would encounter the negativity and jealousy. But this is what it is, some think that they should be the center of the attention, where SL is filled with amazing talented people who come here to create and build themselves.
    Please do not stress over some small people, you are bigger than that and think of us who loves and needs you.

  37. The payola system that pervades fashion “blogging” is a huge problem. You know where folks get free stuff to write puff pieces. This gives designers the impression that bloggers owe them something. At least you write words, not just pictures and a style card.

    I wouldn’t worry so much about designers or customers or ANYBODY being mean to you. Be mean right back, Treat folks as they deserve to be treated. If they are nice to you, be nice. if they are mean to you, be mean. You know be just.

    It’s your blog. Write what you want to write, how you want to write, when you want to write. Not everybody is your friend. You shouldn’t WANT to be EVERYBODY’S friend. Nothing wrong with making an enemy or two, if it’s the result of being true to yourself. Should you make some enemies, dig some holes and dump ’em in ’em. Always worked for me 🙂

  38. I have found endless entertainment and knowledge from your blog. I sit back and read look and learn. I have never posted but I feel compelled to today. Do not let haters get you down,personality is a spectrum disorder and it goes from the most positive to the most negative and every combination in between.The one true freedom we have in this existence is choice. You can choose how you want to feel about all things. I love your work/joy it is easy to chose to be happy and relate to your upbeat attitude. yours truly Alonia Allen.

  39. I just caught wind of this article a little late and I’ll chime in with a very simple truth that I’ve come to recognize and make a part of my life: Haters are loud, and they want to be heard. Lovers enjoy in peace, but sometimes forget to give support, simply because in their eyes, everything is running very smoothly. The Lovers outnumber the Haters. Dig a little deeper and you’ll realize that that’s the truth. Don’t let a handful of loud, rude voices drown out the soothing sea of wonderful, supportive people. If you live near a river long enough, the sound will become routine. It doesn’t mean that the river has lost any of its beautiful power!

  40. I chim in as you vaguely voiced what bothered me about SL recently.

    Was in SL since beginning but stopped being active in 2008, then just stopped in 2009. Came back in 2014. Back in golden age we cut our fingers off to write scathing reviews in blood! Ahem, not really but there was more variety – you had fashion recs blogs, fashion review blogs, snarky fashion blogs, mean fashion blogs … and all of those were minority. SL was more sim oriented, so people used it for roleplay, story blogs, maps, education and art events, music venues and so on.

    Now fashion is majority which is mighty sad. Not my thing really but I still like eyecandy, same as I like blogs, especially sarcastic ones. It is just me though and everyone has their own favourites. For example, always liked yours as a mesh resource and for research when I came back to SL – read all reviews and posts to learn what is what.

    Essentially, the basic problem with most popular bloggers is lack of divide and speciality blogs thus you just have all the promo and advert blogs that work for various shops. Not most of course and maybe I follow odd flickr groups, feeds and tumblr tags – usually skimming as no entries catch my eyes. Sometimes, an item does, for a set or whatnot which is fair and the purpose of those blogs but I cannot see any other uses.

    The strange trend I noticed is promotional videos, meaning haul and unboxing ones – do they actually advance shops’ listings? It is just the marketing of those that I cannot explain as to average audience, they are not content or watchable (post with photos and tags could be). Alas maybe people rediscovered video editing and it is authors themself benefiting, have fun then (but yes, am not sure if any authors did note publicly that it is not accesible content).

    With all my random ranting taken to mind – it is not SL that started this trend but web 2.0 bloggers that started to be sponsored directly by companies. Same as those dreaded unboxing videos and subscription merch – again, adverts. The thing is, none SL bloggers usually did not frame promotional material as internet defaults. There is lot who do their own thing (not that promo stuff is bad but not for all), first popular person that comes to my mind is Ashens on youtube.

    Am certain that both designers and bloggers would benefit from more variety, it just makes stuff more interesting. Hell, sometimes even hate review is best marketing (look at ’50 Shades of Grey’).

  41. Hey, Daria, right up front, I am not a reader of blogs. I looked at yours a while back when I was researching mesh bodies so I could buy intelligently. I am back again today to see what new bodies have come out and how they compare. That said, I noticed the blurb for this post and obviously read it.

    In general I try to find a positive to compliment someone on. As a regular course in my SL (and RL), I will compliment a new resident on their avatar, or anyone on a stylish outfit, hair, boots, profile pic or profile text. I also offer to help out new folks who look a mess. This doesn’t make me special, I know lots of people do the same. When there is some negative thing that really glares, I try to politely address it. Again, I believe most people are like this.

    Now you, you go a step beyond and take time out of your life to create a discussion of things that interest you but also interest a lot of others who for whatever reason may not be able to have the discussion without someone like you starting it. What you do is appreciated and valued. Second Life and Real Life are better for having someone like yourself in it.

  42. Poor Daria its terrible how people can justify their bad behaviours. Pay no heed to those that are rude and demanding
    You do a service to SL and you do it well.
    You do a awesome job. Your blogs and information pages are the first place I send anyone new to mesh.
    I don’t agree about not accepting free items for consideration for blogs.
    A lot of items are very expensive and its not fair to be expected to purchase all,
    You do a good job of reviewing most things mesh and always in the know about what’s new and what’s hot on the grid. You do it with a generous spirit and give enough of yourself.
    I have found you to be incredibly impartial and honest.
    If you have a preference for a particular head, skin shape etc. then that’s your opinion. Honestly isn’t that what your blog is all about ?
    But maybe it needs to be made very clear (for your own protection) to all designers that they need to understand that sending something is not always going to guarantee a place on your blog. Abusing you and being rude will only get them zero place in your blog If their creations are sub standard maybe you have chosen not to be negative in your blog about it.
    We as consumers don’t want to deal with creators with bad attitudes If they are rude to you and demanding then what kind of chance do we have if issues arise.
    Keep up the good work you do awesome blogs and anyone that thinks your not really doesn’t need to read them or send you items for your opinion.
    keep up the good work Don’t listen to those that forgot being nice is part of good customer relations. Do what we all do vote with our wallets and ignore them.

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